第 118 节
作者:
这就是结局 更新:2022-08-21 16:40 字数:9322
ourselves; in the sight of the world; is but an outer case; a shell
of mere words; blown up for the occasion; strung together as mere
language; then; self…convicted; we shrink within the husk; and feel
our own worthlessness and hypocrisy。〃
〃As one feels in reproving the school children for behaving ill at
church?〃 said Meta。
〃You never felt anything approaching to it!〃 said Norman。 〃To know
oneself to be such a deception; that everything else seems a delusion
too!〃
〃I don't know whether that is metaphysical;〃 said Meta; 〃but I am
sure I don't understand it。 One must know oneself to be worse than
one knows any one else to be。〃
〃I could not wish you to understand;〃 said Norman; and yet he seemed
impelled to go on; for; after a hesitating silence; he added; 〃When
the wanderer in the desert fears that the spring is but a mirage; or
when all that is held dear is made hazy or distorted by some
enchanter; what do you think are the feelings; Meta?〃
〃It must be dreadful;〃 she said; rather bewildered; 〃but he may know
it is a delusion; if he can but wake。 Has he not always a spell; a
charm?〃
〃What is the spell?〃 eagerly said Norman; standing still。
〃Believe〃 said Meta; hardly knowing how she came to choose the
words。
〃I believe!〃 he repeated。 〃Whatwhen we go beyond the province of
reasonhuman; a thing of sense after all! How often have I so
answered。 But Meta; when a man has been drawn; in self…sufficient
security; to look into a magic mirror; and cannot detach his eyes
from the confused; misty scenewhere all that had his allegiance
appears shattered; overthrown; like a broken image; or at least
unable to endure examination; then〃
〃Oh; Norman; is that the trial to any one here? I thought old Oxford
was the great guardian nurse of truth! I am sure she cannot deal in
magic mirrors or such frightful things。 Do you know you are talking
like a very horrible dream?〃
〃I believe I am in one;〃 said Norman。
〃To be sure you are。 Wake!〃 said Meta; looking up; smiling in his
face。 〃You have read yourself into a maze; that's allwhat Mary
calls; muzzling your head; you don't really think all this; and when
you get into the country; away from books; you will forget it。 One
look at our dear old purple Welsh hills will blow away all the
mists!〃
〃I ought not to have spoken in this manner;〃 said Norman sadly。
〃Forget it; Meta。〃
〃Forget it! Of course I will。 It is all nonsense; and meant to be
forgotten;〃 said Meta; laughing。 〃You will own that it is by…and…
by。〃
He gave a deep sigh。
〃Don't think I am unfeeling;〃 she said; 〃but I know it is all a fog
up from books; books; booksI should like to drive it off with a
good fresh gust of wind! Oh! I wish those yellow lilies would grow
in our river!〃
Meta talked away gaily for the rest of the walk。 She was anything
but unfeeling; but she had a confidence in Norman that forbade her to
see anything here but one of his variations of spirits; which always
sank in the hour of triumph。 She put forth her brightness to enliven
him; and; in their subsequent tete…a…tetes; she avoided all that
could lead to a renewal of this conversation。 Ethel would not have
rested till it had been fought out。 Meta thought it so imaginary;
that it had better die for want of the aliment of words; certainly;
hers could not reach an intellect like his; and she would only soothe
and amuse him。 Dr。 May; mind…curer as well as body…curer; would soon
be here; to put the climax to the general joy and watch his own son。
He did arrive; quite prepared to enjoy; giving an excellent account
of both homes; Mr。 Rivers very well; and the Wilmots taking care of
him; and Margaret as comfortable as usual; Mary making a most
important and capable little housekeeper; Miss Bracy as good as
possible。 He talked as if they had all nourished the better for
Ethel's absence; but he had evidently missed her greatly; as he
showed; without knowing it; by his instant eagerness to have her to
himself。 Even Norman; prizeman as he was; was less wanted。 There
was proud affection; eager congratulation; for him; but it was Ethel
to whom he wanted to tell everything that had passed during her
absencewhom he treated as if they were meeting after a tedious
separation。
They dined rather early; and went out afterwards; to walk down the
High Street to Christchurch Meadow。 Norman and Ethel had been
anxious for this; they thought it would give their father the best
idea of the tout ensemble of Oxford; and were not without hopes of
beating him by his own confession; in that standing fight between him
and his sons; as to the beauties of Oxford and Cambridgea fight in
which; hitherto; they had been equally matchedneither partisan
having seen the rival University。
Flora stayed at home; she owned herself fairly tired by her arduous
duties of following the two young ladies about; and was very glad to
give her father the keeping of them。 Dr。 May held out his arm to
EthelNorman secured his peculiar property。 Ethel could have
preferred that it should be otherwiseNorman would have no companion
but George Rivers; how bored he would be!
All through the streets; while she was telling her father the names
of the buildings; she was not giving her whole attention; she was
trying to guess; from the sounds behind; whether Mr。 Ogilvie were
accompanying them。 They entered the meadowsNorman turned round;
with a laugh; to defy the doctor to talk of the Cam; on the banks of
the Isis。 The party stood stillthe other two gentlemen came up。
They amalgamated againall the Oxonians conspiring to say spiteful
things of the Cam; and Dr。 May making a spirited defence; in which
Ethel found herself impelled to join。
In the wide gravelled path; they proceeded in threes; George attached
himself to his sister and Norman。 Mr。 Ogilvie came to Ethel's other
side; and began to point out all the various notabilities。 Ethel was
happy again; her father was so much pleased and amused; with him; and
he with her father; that it was a treat to look on。
Presently Dr。 May; as usual; always meeting with acquaintances; fell
in with a county neighbour; and Ethel had another pleasant aside;
until her father claimed her; and Mr。 Ogilvie was absorbed among
another party; and lost to her sight。
He came to tea; but; by that time; Dr。 May had established himself in
the chair which had hitherto been appropriated to her cousin; a chair
that cut her nook off from the rest of the world; and made her the
exclusive possession of the occupant。 There was a most interesting
history for her to hear; of a meeting with the Town Council; which
she had left pending; when Dr。 May had been battling to save the next
presentation of the living from being sold。
Few subjects could affect Ethel more nearly; yet she caught herself
missing the thread of his discourse; in trying to hear what Mr。
Ogilvie was saying to Flora about a visit to Glenbracken。
The time came for the two Balliol men to take their leave。 Norman
May had been sitting very silent all the evening; and Meta; who was
near him; respected his mood。 When he said good…night; he drew Ethel
outside the door。 〃Ethel;〃 he said; 〃only one thing: do ask my
father not to put on his spectacles
to…morrow。〃
〃Very well;〃 said Ethel; half smiling; 〃Richard did not mind them。〃
〃Richard has more humilityI shall break down if he looks at me! I
wish you were all at home。〃
〃Thank you。〃
The other Norman came out of the sitting…room at the moment; and
heard the last words。
〃Never mind;〃 said he to Ethel; 〃I'll take care of him。 He shall
comport himself as if you were all at Nova Zembla。 A pretty fellow
to talk of despising fame; and then get a fit of stage…fright!〃
〃Well; good…night;〃 said Norman; sighing。 〃It will be over to…
morrow; only remember the spectacles。〃
Dr。 May laughed a good deal at the request; and asked if the rest of
the party were to be blindfolded。 Meta wondered that Ethel should
have mentioned the request so publicly; she was a good deal touched
by it; and she thought Dr。 May ought to be so。
Good…night was said; and Dr。 May put his arm round Ethel; and gave
her the kiss that she had missed for seven nights。 It was very
homelike; and it brought a sudden flash of thought across Ethel!
What had she been doing? She had been impatient of her father's
monopoly of her!
She parted with Flora; and entered the room she shared with Meta;
where Bellairs waited to attend her little mistress。 Few words
passed between the two girls; and those chiefly on the morrow's
dress。 Meta had some fixed ideasshe should wear pink。 Norman had
said he liked her pink bonnet; and then she could put down her white
veil; so that he could be certain that she was not looking; Ethel
vaguely believed Flora meant to wearsomething
Bellairs went away; and Meta gave expression to her eager hope that
Norman would go through it well。 If he would only read it as he did
last Easter to her and Ethel。
〃He will;〃 said Ethel。 〃This nervousness always wears off when it
comes to the point; and he warms with his subject。〃
〃Oh! but think of all the eyes looking at him!〃
〃Our's are all that he real