第 118 节
作者:这就是结局      更新:2022-08-21 16:40      字数:9322
  ourselves; in the sight of the world; is but an outer case; a shell
  of mere words; blown up for the occasion; strung together as mere
  language; then; self…convicted; we shrink within the husk; and feel
  our own worthlessness and hypocrisy。〃
  〃As one feels in reproving the school children for behaving ill at
  church?〃 said Meta。
  〃You never felt anything approaching to it!〃 said Norman。  〃To know
  oneself to be such a deception; that everything else seems a delusion
  too!〃
  〃I don't know whether that is metaphysical;〃 said Meta; 〃but I am
  sure I don't understand it。  One must know oneself to be worse than
  one knows any one else to be。〃
  〃I could not wish you to understand;〃 said Norman; and yet he seemed
  impelled to go on; for; after a hesitating silence; he added; 〃When
  the wanderer in the desert fears that the spring is but a mirage; or
  when all that is held dear is made hazy or distorted by some
  enchanter; what do you think are the feelings; Meta?〃
  〃It must be dreadful;〃 she said; rather bewildered; 〃but he may know
  it is a delusion; if he can but wake。  Has he not always a spell; a
  charm?〃
  〃What is the spell?〃 eagerly said Norman; standing still。
  〃Believe〃 said Meta; hardly knowing how she came to choose the
  words。
  〃I believe!〃 he repeated。  〃Whatwhen we go beyond the province of
  reasonhuman; a thing of sense after all!  How often have I so
  answered。  But Meta; when a man has been drawn; in self…sufficient
  security; to look into a magic mirror; and cannot detach his eyes
  from the confused; misty scenewhere all that had his allegiance
  appears shattered; overthrown; like a broken image; or at least
  unable to endure examination; then〃
  〃Oh; Norman; is that the trial to any one here?  I thought old Oxford
  was the great guardian nurse of truth!  I am sure she cannot deal in
  magic mirrors or such frightful things。  Do you know you are talking
  like a very horrible dream?〃
  〃I believe I am in one;〃 said Norman。
  〃To be sure you are。  Wake!〃 said Meta; looking up; smiling in his
  face。  〃You have read yourself into a maze; that's allwhat Mary
  calls; muzzling your head; you don't really think all this; and when
  you get into the country; away from books; you will forget it。  One
  look at our dear old purple Welsh hills will blow away all the
  mists!〃
  〃I ought not to have spoken in this manner;〃 said Norman sadly。
  〃Forget it; Meta。〃
  〃Forget it!  Of course I will。  It is all nonsense; and meant to be
  forgotten;〃 said Meta; laughing。  〃You will own that it is by…and…
  by。〃
  He gave a deep sigh。
  〃Don't think I am unfeeling;〃 she said; 〃but I know it is all a fog
  up from books; books; booksI should like to drive it off with a
  good fresh gust of wind!  Oh! I wish those yellow lilies would grow
  in our river!〃
  Meta talked away gaily for the rest of the walk。  She was anything
  but unfeeling; but she had a confidence in Norman that forbade her to
  see anything here but one of his variations of spirits; which always
  sank in the hour of triumph。  She put forth her brightness to enliven
  him; and; in their subsequent tete…a…tetes; she avoided all that
  could lead to a renewal of this conversation。  Ethel would not have
  rested till it had been fought out。  Meta thought it so imaginary;
  that it had better die for want of the aliment of words; certainly;
  hers could not reach an intellect like his; and she would only soothe
  and amuse him。  Dr。 May; mind…curer as well as body…curer; would soon
  be here; to put the climax to the general joy and watch his own son。
  He did arrive; quite prepared to enjoy; giving an excellent account
  of both homes; Mr。 Rivers very well; and the Wilmots taking care of
  him; and Margaret as comfortable as usual; Mary making a most
  important and capable little housekeeper; Miss Bracy as good as
  possible。  He talked as if they had all nourished the better for
  Ethel's absence; but he had evidently missed her greatly; as he
  showed; without knowing it; by his instant eagerness to have her to
  himself。  Even Norman; prizeman as he was; was less wanted。  There
  was proud affection; eager congratulation; for him; but it was Ethel
  to whom he wanted to tell everything that had passed during her
  absencewhom he treated as if they were meeting after a tedious
  separation。
  They dined rather early; and went out afterwards; to walk down the
  High Street to Christchurch Meadow。  Norman and Ethel had been
  anxious for this; they thought it would give their father the best
  idea of the tout ensemble of Oxford; and were not without hopes of
  beating him by his own confession; in that standing fight between him
  and his sons; as to the beauties of Oxford and Cambridgea fight in
  which; hitherto; they had been equally matchedneither partisan
  having seen the rival University。
  Flora stayed at home; she owned herself fairly tired by her arduous
  duties of following the two young ladies about; and was very glad to
  give her father the keeping of them。  Dr。 May held out his arm to
  EthelNorman secured his peculiar property。  Ethel could have
  preferred that it should be otherwiseNorman would have no companion
  but George Rivers; how bored he would be!
  All through the streets; while she was telling her father the names
  of the buildings; she was not giving her whole attention; she was
  trying to guess; from the sounds behind; whether Mr。 Ogilvie were
  accompanying them。  They entered the meadowsNorman turned round;
  with a laugh; to defy the doctor to talk of the Cam; on the banks of
  the Isis。  The party stood stillthe other two gentlemen came up。
  They amalgamated againall the Oxonians conspiring to say spiteful
  things of the Cam; and Dr。 May making a spirited defence; in which
  Ethel found herself impelled to join。
  In the wide gravelled path; they proceeded in threes; George attached
  himself to his sister and Norman。  Mr。 Ogilvie came to Ethel's other
  side; and began to point out all the various notabilities。  Ethel was
  happy again; her father was so much pleased and amused; with him; and
  he with her father; that it was a treat to look on。
  Presently Dr。 May; as usual; always meeting with acquaintances; fell
  in with a county neighbour; and Ethel had another pleasant aside;
  until her father claimed her; and Mr。 Ogilvie was absorbed among
  another party; and lost to her sight。
  He came to tea; but; by that time; Dr。 May had established himself in
  the chair which had hitherto been appropriated to her cousin; a chair
  that cut her nook off from the rest of the world; and made her the
  exclusive possession of the occupant。  There was a most interesting
  history for her to hear; of a meeting with the Town Council; which
  she had left pending; when Dr。 May had been battling to save the next
  presentation of the living from being sold。
  Few subjects could affect Ethel more nearly; yet she caught herself
  missing the thread of his discourse; in trying to hear what Mr。
  Ogilvie was saying to Flora about a visit to Glenbracken。
  The time came for the two Balliol men to take their leave。  Norman
  May had been sitting very silent all the evening; and Meta; who was
  near him; respected his mood。  When he said good…night; he drew Ethel
  outside the door。  〃Ethel;〃 he said; 〃only one thing: do ask my
  father not to put on his spectacles
  to…morrow。〃
  〃Very well;〃 said Ethel; half smiling; 〃Richard did not mind them。〃
  〃Richard has more humilityI shall break down if he looks at me!  I
  wish you were all at home。〃
  〃Thank you。〃
  The other Norman came out of the sitting…room at the moment; and
  heard the last words。
  〃Never mind;〃 said he to Ethel; 〃I'll take care of him。  He shall
  comport himself as if you were all at Nova Zembla。  A pretty fellow
  to talk of despising fame; and then get a fit of stage…fright!〃
  〃Well; good…night;〃 said Norman; sighing。  〃It will be over to…
  morrow; only remember the spectacles。〃
  Dr。 May laughed a good deal at the request; and asked if the rest of
  the party were to be blindfolded。  Meta wondered that Ethel should
  have mentioned the request so publicly; she was a good deal touched
  by it; and she thought Dr。 May ought to be so。
  Good…night was said; and Dr。 May put his arm round Ethel; and gave
  her the kiss that she had missed for seven nights。  It was very
  homelike; and it brought a sudden flash of thought across Ethel!
  What had she been doing?  She had been impatient of her father's
  monopoly of her!
  She parted with Flora; and entered the room she shared with Meta;
  where Bellairs waited to attend her little mistress。  Few words
  passed between the two girls; and those chiefly on the morrow's
  dress。  Meta had some fixed ideasshe should wear pink。  Norman had
  said he liked her pink bonnet; and then she could put down her white
  veil; so that he could be certain that she was not looking; Ethel
  vaguely believed Flora meant to wearsomething
  Bellairs went away; and Meta gave expression to her eager hope that
  Norman would go through it well。  If he would only read it as he did
  last Easter to her and Ethel。
  〃He will;〃 said Ethel。  〃This nervousness always wears off when it
  comes to the point; and he warms with his subject。〃
  〃Oh! but think of all the eyes looking at him!〃
  〃Our's are all that he real