word；　at　the　slightest　impudent　gesture　or　insolent　look。　I　declare；
  on　my　soul　and　conscience；　that　the　attainment　of　power；　or　of　a　great
  name　in　literature；　seemed　to　me　an　easier　victory　than　a　success　with
  some　young；　witty；　and　gracious　lady　of　high　degree。
  〃So　I　found　the　tumult　of　my　heart；　my　feelings；　and　my　creeds　all　at
  variance　with　the　axioms　of　society。　I　had　plenty　of　audacity　in　my
  character；　but　none　in　my　manner。　Later；　I　found　out　that　women　did
  not　like　to　be　implored。　I　have　from　afar　adored　many　a　one　to　whom　I
  devoted　a　soul　proof　against　all　tests；　a　heart　to　break；　energy　that
  shrank　from　no　sacrifice　and　from　no　torture；　THEY　accepted　fools　whom
  I　would　not　have　engaged　as　hall　porters。　How　often；　mute　and
  motionless；　have　I　not　admired　the　lady　of　my　dreams；　swaying　in　the
  dance；　given　up　my　life　in　thought　to　one　eternal　caress；　expressed
  all　my　hopes　in　a　look；　and　laid　before　her；　in　my　rapture；　a　young
  man's　love；　which　should　outstrip　all　fables。　At　some　moments　I　was
  ready　to　barter　my　whole　life　for　one　single　night。　Well；　as　I　could
  never　find　a　listener　for　my　impassioned　proposals；　eyes　to　rest　my
  own　upon；　a　heart　made　for　my　heart；　I　lived　on　in　all　the　sufferings
  of　impotent　force　that　consumes　itself；　lacking　either　opportunity　or
  courage　or　experience。　I　despaired；　maybe；　of　making　myself
  understood；　or　I　feared　to　be　understood　but　too　well；　and　yet　the
  storm　within　me　was　ready　to　burst　at　every　chance　courteous　look。　In
  spite　of　my　readiness　to　take　the　semblance　of　interest　in　look　or
  word　for　a　tenderer　solicitude；　I　dared　neither　to　speak　nor　to　be
  silent　seasonably。　My　words　grew　insignificant；　and　my　silence　stupid；
  by　sheer　stress　of　emotion。　I　was　too　ingenuous；　no　doubt；　for　that
  artificial　life；　led　by　candle…light；　where　every　thought　is　expressed
  in　conventional　phrases；　or　by　words　that　fashion　dictates；　and　not
  only　so；　I　had　not　learned　how　to　employ　speech　that　says　nothing；　and
  silence　that　says　a　great　deal。　In　short；　I　concealed　the　fires　that
  consumed　me；　and　with　such　a　soul　as　women　wish　to　find；　with　all　the
  elevation　of　soul　that　they　long　for；　and　a　mettle　that　fools　plume
  themselves　upon；　all　women　have　been　cruelly　treacherous　to　me。
  〃So　in　my　simplicity　I　admired　the　heroes　of　this　set　when　they
  bragged　about　their　conquests；　and　never　suspected　them　of　lying。　No
  doubt　it　was　a　mistake　to　wish　for　a　love　that　springs　for　a　word's
  sake；　to　expect　to　find　in　the　heart　of　a　vain；　frivolous　woman；
  greedy　for　luxury　and　intoxicated　with　vanity；　the　great　sea　of
  passion　that　surged　tempestuously　in　my　own　breast。　Oh！　to　feel　that
  you　were　born　to　love；　to　make　some　woman's　happiness；　and　yet　to　find
  not　one；　not　even　a　noble　and　courageous　Marceline；　not　so　much　as　an
  old　Marquise！　Oh！　to　carry　a　treasure　in　your　wallet；　and　not　find
  even　some　child；　or　inquisitive　young　girl；　to　admire　it！　In　my
  despair　I　often　wished　to　kill　myself。〃
  〃Finely　tragical　to…night！〃　cried　Emile。
  〃Let　me　pass　sentence　on　my　life；〃　Raphael　answered。　〃If　your
  friendship　is　not　strong　enough　to　bear　with　my　elegy；　if　you　cannot
  put　up　with　half　an　hour's　tedium　for　my　sake；　go　to　sleep！　But；　then；
  never　ask　again　for　the　reason　of　suicide　that　hangs　over　me；　that
  comes　nearer　and　calls　to　me；　that　I　bow　myself　before。　If　you　are　to
  judge　a　man；　you　must　know　his　secret　thoughts；　sorrows；　and　feelings；
  to　know　merely　the　outward　events　of　a　man's　life　would　only　serve　to
  make　a　chronological　tablea　fool's　notion　of　history。〃
  Emile　was　so　much　struck　with　the　bitter　tones　in　which　these　words
  were　spoken；　that　he　began　to　pay　close　attention　to　Raphael；　whom　he
  watched　with　a　bewildered　expression。
  〃Now；〃　continued　the　speaker；　〃all　these　things　that　befell　me　appear
  in　a　new　light。　The　sequence　of　events　that　I　once　thought　so
  unfortunate　created　the　splendid　powers　of　which；　later；　I　became　so
  proud。　If　I　may　believe　you；　I　possess　the　power　of　readily　expressing
  my　thoughts；　and　I　could　take　a　forward　place　in　the　great　field　of
  knowledge；　and　is　not　this　the　result　of　scientific　curiosity；　of
  excessive　application；　and　a　love　of　reading　which　possessed　me　from
  the　age　of　seven　till　my　entry　on　life？　The　very　neglect　in　which　I
  was　left；　and　the　consequent　habits　of　self…repression　and　self…
  concentration；　did　not　these　things　teach　me　how　to　consider　and
  reflect？　Nothing　in　me　was　squandered　in　obedience　to　the　exactions　of
  the　world；　which　humble　the　proudest　soul　and　reduce　it　to　a　mere
  husk；　and　was　it　not　this　very　fact　that　refined　the　emotional　part　of
  my　nature　till　it　became　the　perfected　instrument　of　a　loftier　purpose
  than　passionate　desires？　I　remember　watching　the　women　who　mistook　me
  with　all　the　insight　of　contemned　love。
  〃I　can　see　now　that　my　natural　sincerity　must　have　been　displeasing　to
  them；　women；　perhaps；　even　require　a　little　hypocrisy。　And　I；　who　in
  the　same　hour's　space　am　alternately　a　man　and　a　child；　frivolous　and
  thoughtful；　free　from　bias　and　brimful　of　superstition；　and　oftentimes
  myself　as　much　a　woman　as　any　of　them；　how　should　they　do　otherwise
  than　take　my　simplicity　for　cynicism；　my　innocent　candor　for
  impudence？　They　found　my　knowledge　tiresome；　my　feminine　languor；
  weakness。　I　was　held　to　be　listless　and　incapable　of　love　or　of　steady
  purpose；　a　too　active　imagination；　that　curse　of　poets；　was　no　doubt
  the　cause。　My　silence　was　idiotic；　and　as　I　daresay　I　alarmed　them　by
  my　efforts　to　please；　women　one　and　all　have　condemned　me。　With　tears
  and　mortification；　I　bowed　before　the　decision　of　the　world；　but　my
  distress　was　not　barren。　I　determined　to　revenge　myself　on　society；　I
  would　dominate　the　feminine　intellect；　and　so　have　the　feminine　soul
  at　my　mercy；　all　eyes　should　be　fixed　upon　me；　when　the　servant　at　the
  door　announced　my　name。　I　had　determined　from　my　childhood　that　I
  would　be　a　great　man；　I　said　with　Andre　Chenier；　as　I　struck　my
  forehead；　'There　is　something　underneath　that！'　I　felt；　I　believed；
  the　thought　within　me　that　I　must　express；　the　system　I　must
  establish；　the　knowledge　I　must　interpret。
  〃Let　me　pour　out　my　follies；　dear　Emile；　to…day　I　am　barely　twenty…six
  years　old；　certain　of　dying　unrecognized；　and　I　have　never　been　the
  lover　of　the　woman　I　dreamed　of　possessing。　Have　we　not　all　of　us；
  more　or　less；　believed　in　the　reality　of　a　thing　because　we　wished　it？
  I　would　never　have　a　young　man　for　my　friend　who　did　not　place　himself
  in　dreams　upon　a　pedestal；　weave　crowns　for　his　head；　and　have
  complaisant　mistresses。　I　myself　would　often　be　a　general；　nay；
  emperor；　I　have　been　a　Byron；　and　then　a　nobody。　After　this　sport　on
  these　pinnacles　of　human　achievement；　I　became　aware　that　all　the
  difficulties　and　steeps　of　life　were　yet　to　face。　My　exuberant　self…
  esteem　came　to　my　aid；　I　had　that　intense　belief　in　my　destiny；　which
  perhaps　amounts　to　genius　in　those　who　will　not　permit　themselves　to
  be　distracted　by　contact　with　the　world；　as　sheep　that　leave　their
  wool　on　the　briars　of　every　thicket　they　pass　by。　I　meant　to　cover
  myself　with　glory；　and　to　work　in　silence　for　the　mistress　I　hoped　to
  have　one　day。　Women　for　me　were　resumed　into　a　single　type；　and　this
  woman　I　looked　to　meet　in　the　first　that　met　my　eyes；　but　in　each　and
  all　I　saw　a　queen；　and　as　queens　must　make　the　first　advances　to　their
  lovers；　they　must　draw　near　to　meto　me；　so　sickly；　shy；　and　poor。
  For　her；　who　should　take　pity　on　me；　my　heart　held　in　store　such
  gratitude　over　and　beyond　love；　that　I　had　worshiped　her　her　whole
  life　long。　Later；　my　observations　have　taught　me　bitter　truths。
  〃In　this　way；　dear　Emile；　I　ran　the　risk　of　remaining　companionless
  for　good。　The　incomprehensible　bent　of　women's　minds　appears　to　lead
  them　to　see　nothing　but　the　weak　points　in　a　clever　man；　and　the
  strong　points　of　a　fool。　They　feel　the　liveliest　sympathy　with　the
  fool's　good　qualities；　which　perpetually　flatter　their　own　defects；
  while　they　find　the　man　of　talent　hardly　agreeable　enough　to
  compensate　for　his　shortcomings。　All　capacity　is　a　sort　of
  intermittent　fever；　and　no　woman　is　anxious　to　share　in　its
  discomforts　only；　they　look　to　find　in　their　lovers　the　wherewithal　to
  gratify　their　own　vanity。　It　is　themselves　that　they　love　in　us！　But
  the　artist；　poor　and　proud；　along　with　his　endowment　of　creative
  power；　is　furnished　with　an　aggressive　egotism！　Everything　about　him
  is　involved　in　I　know　not　what　whirlpool　of　his　ideas；　and　even　his
  mistress　must　gyrate　along　with　them。　How　is　a　woman；　spoilt　with
  praise；　to　believe　in　the　love　of　a　man　like　that？　Will　she　go　to　seek
  him　out？　That　sort　of　lover　has　not　the　leisure　to　sit　beside　a　sofa
  and　give　himself　up　to　the　sentimental　simperings　that　women　are　so
  fond　of；　and　on　which　the　false　and　unfeeling　pride　themselves。　He
  cannot　spare　the　time　from　his　work；　and　how　can　he　afford　to　humble
  himself　and　go　a…masquerading！　I　was　ready　to　give　my　life　once　and
  for　all；　but　I　could　not　degrade　it　in　detail。　Besides；　there　is
  something　indescribably　paltry　in　a　stockbroker's　tactics；　who　runs　on
  errands　for　some　insipid　affected　woman；　all　this　disgusts　an　artist。
  Love　in　the　abstrac