who　took　part　in　all　my　quarrels　with　father；　and　used　regularly　to
  rob　the　weekly　expenses　in　order　to　find　me　in　pocket…money。　　Poor
  soul！　many　and　many　is　the　guinea　I　have　had　from　her　in　that　way；
  and　so　she　enabled　me　to　cut　a　very　pretty　figure。
  Papa　was　for　having　me　at　this　time　articled　to　a　merchant；　or　put
  to　some　profession；　but　mamma　and　I　agreed　that　I　was　born　to　be　a
  gentleman　and　not　a　tradesman；　and　the　army　was　the　only　place　for
  me。　　Everybody　was　a　soldier　in　those　times；　for　the　French　war　had
  just　begun；　and　the　whole　country　was　swarming　with　militia
  regiments。　　〃We'll　get　him　a　commission　in　a　marching　regiment；〃
  said　my　father。　　〃As　we　have　no　money　to　purchase　him　up；　he'll
  FIGHT　his　way；　I　make　no　doubt。〃　　And　papa　looked　at　me　with　a　kind
  of　air　of　contempt；　as　much　as　to　say　he　doubted　whether　I　should
  be　very　eager　for　such　a　dangerous　way　of　bettering　myself。
  I　wish　you　could　have　heard　mamma's　screech　when　he　talked　so
  coolly　of　my　going　out　to　fight！　　〃What！　send　him　abroad；　across
  the　horrid；　horrid　seato　be　wrecked　and　perhaps　drowned；　and　only
  to　land　for　the　purpose　of　fighting　the　wicked　Frenchmen；to　be
  wounded；　and　perhaps　kickkickkilled！　　Oh；　Thomas；　Thomas！　would
  you　murder　me　and　your　boy？〃　　There　was　a　regular　scene。　　However；
  it　endedas　it　always　didin　mother's　getting　the　better；　and　it
  was　settled　that　I　should　go　into　the　militia。　　And　why　not？　　The
  uniform　is　just　as　handsome；　and　the　danger　not　half　so　great。　　I
  don't　think　in　the　course　of　my　whole　military　experience　I　ever
  fought　anything；　except　an　old　woman；　who　had　the　impudence　to
  hallo　out；　〃Heads　up；　lobster！〃Well；　I　joined　the　North　Bungays；
  and　was　fairly　launched　into　the　world。
  I　was　not　a　handsome　man；　I　know；　but　there　was　SOMETHING　about　me
  that's　very　evidentfor　the　girls　always　laughed　when　they　talked
  to　me；　and　the　men；　though　they　affected　to　call　me　a　poor　little
  creature；　squint…eyes；　knock…knees；　redhead；　and　so　on；　were
  evidently　annoyed　by　my　success；　for　they　hated　me　so　confoundedly。
  Even　at　the　present　time　they　go　on；　though　I　have　given　up
  gallivanting；　as　I　call　it。　　But　in　the　April　of　my　existence；
  that　is；　in　anno　Domini　1791；　or　soit　was　a　different　case；　and
  having　nothing　else　to　do；　and　being　bent　upon　bettering　my
  condition；　I　did　some　very　pretty　things　in　that　way。　　But　I　was
  not　hot…headed　and　imprudent；　like　most　young　fellows。　　Don't　fancy
  I　looked　for　beauty！　　Pish！I　wasn't　such　a　fool。　　Nor　for　temper；
  I　don't　care　about　a　bad　temper：　I　could　break　any　woman's　heart　in
  two　years。　　What　I　wanted　was　to　get　on　in　the　world。　　Of　course　I
  didn't　PREFER　an　ugly　woman；　or　a　shrew；　and　when　the　choice
  offered；　would　certainly　put　up　with　a　handsome；　good…humored　girl；
  with　plenty　of　money；　as　any　honest　man　would。
  Now　there　were　two　tolerably　rich　girls　in　our　parts：　Miss　Magdalen
  Crutty；　with　twelve　thousand　pounds　（and；　to　do　her　justice；　as
  plain　a　girl　as　ever　I　saw）；　and　Miss　Mary　Waters；　a　fine；　tall；
  plump；　smiling；　peach…cheeked；　golden…haired；　white…skinned　lass；
  with　only　ten。　　Mary　Waters　lived　with　her　uncle；　the　Doctor；　who
  had　helped　me　into　the　world；　and　who　was　trusted　with　this　little
  orphan　charge　very　soon　after。　　My　mother；　as　you　have　heard；　was
  so　fond　of　Bates；　and　Bates　so　fond　of　little　Mary；　that　both；　at
  first；　were　almost　always　in　our　house；　and　I　used　to　call　her　my
  little　wife　as　soon　as　I　could　speak；　and　before　she　could　walk
  almost。　　It　was　beautiful　to　see　us；　the　neighbors　said。
  Well；　when　her　brother；　the　lieutenant　of　an　India　ship；　came　to　be
  captain；　and　actually　gave　Mary　five　thousand　pounds；　when　she　was
  about　ten　years　old；　and　promised　her　five　thousand　more；　there　was
  a　great　talking；　and　bobbing；　and　smiling　between　the　Doctor　and　my
  parents；　and　Mary　and　I　were　left　together　more　than　ever；　and　she
  was　told　to　call　me　her　little　husband。　　And　she　did；　and　it　was
  considered　a　settled　thing　from　that　day。　　She　was　really　amazingly
  fond　of　me。
  Can　any　one　call　me　mercenary　after　that？　　Though　Miss　Crutty　had
  twelve　thousand；　and　Mary　only　ten　（five　in　hand；　and　five　in　the
  bush）；　I　stuck　faithfully　to　Mary。　　As　a　matter　of　course；　Miss
  Crutty　hated　Miss　Waters。　　The　fact　was；　Mary　had　all　the　country
  dangling　after　her；　and　not　a　soul　would　come　to　Magdalen；　for　all
  her　12；000L。　　I　used　to　be　attentive　to　her　though　（as　it's　always
  useful　to　be）；　and　Mary　would　sometimes　laugh　and　sometimes　cry　at
  my　flirting　with　Magdalen。　　This　I　thought　proper　very　quickly　to
  check。　　〃Mary；〃　said　I；　〃you　know　that　my　love　for　you　is
  disinterested；for　I　am　faithful　to　you；　though　Miss　Crutty　is
  richer　than　you。　　Don't　fly　into　a　rage；　then；　because　I　pay　her
  attentions；　when　you　know　that　my　heart　and　my　promise　are　engaged
  to　you。〃
  The　fact　is；　to　tell　a　little　bit　of　a　secret；　there　is　nothing
  like　the　having　two　strings　to　your　bow。　　〃Who　knows？〃　thought　I。
  〃Mary　may　die；　and　then　where　are　my　10；000L。？〃　　So　I　used　to　be
  very　kind　indeed　to　Miss　Crutty；　and　well　it　was　that　I　was　so：　for
  when　I　was　twenty　and　Mary　eighteen；　I'm　blest　if　news　did　not
  arrive　that　Captain　Waters；　who　was　coming　home　to　England　with　all
  his　money　in　rupees；　had　been　takenship；　rupees；　self　and　allby
  a　French　privateer；　and　Mary；　instead　of　10；000L。　had　only　5；000L。；
  making　a　difference　of　no　less　than　350L。　per　annum　betwixt　her　and
  Miss　Crutty。
  I　had　just　joined　my　regiment　（the　famous　North　Bungay　Fencibles；
  Colonel　Craw　commanding）　when　this　news　reached　me；　and　you　may
  fancy　how　a　young　man；　in　an　expensive　regiment　and　mess；　having
  uniforms　and　what　not　to　pay　for；　and　a　figure　to　cut　in　the　world；
  felt　at　hearing　such　news！　　〃My　dearest　Robert；〃　wrote　Miss　Waters；
  〃will　deplore　my　dear　brother's　loss：　but　not；　I　am　sure；　the　money
  which　that　kind　and　generous　soul　had　promised　me。　　I　have　still
  five　thousand　pounds；　and　with　this　and　your　own　little　fortune　（I
  had　1；000L。　in　the　Five　per　Cents！）　we　shall　be　as　happy　and
  contented　as　possible。〃
  Happy　and　contented　indeed！　　Didn't　I　know　how　my　father　got　on
  with　his　300L。　a　year；　and　how　it　was　all　he　could　do　out　of　it　to
  add　a　hundred　a　year　to　my　narrow　income；　and　live　himself！　　My
  mind　was　made　up。　　I　instantly　mounted　the　coach　and　flew　to　our
  village；to　Mr。　Crutty's；　of　course。　　It　was　next　door　to　Doctor
  Bates's；　but　I　had　no　business　THERE。
  I　found　Magdalen　in　the　garden。　　〃Heavens；　Mr。　Stubbs！〃　said　she；
  as　in　my　new　uniform　I　appeared　before　her；　〃I　really　did　never
  such　a　handsome　officerexpect　to　see　you。〃　　And　she　made　as　if
  she　would　blush；　and　began　to　tremble　violently。　　I　led　her　to　a
  garden…seat。　　I　seized　her　handit　was　not　withdrawn。　　I　pressed
  it；I　thought　the　pressure　was　returned。　　I　flung　myself　on　my
  knees；　and　then　I　poured　into　her　ear　a　little　speech　which　I　had
  made　on　the　top　of　the　coach。　　〃Divine　Miss　Crutty；〃　said　I；　〃idol
  of　my　soul！　　It　was　but　to　catch　one　glimpse　of　you　that　I　passed
  through　this　garden。　　I　never　intended　to　breathe　the　secret
  passion〃　（oh；　no；　of　course　not）　〃which　was　wearing　my　life　away。
  You　know　my　unfortunate　pre…engagementit　is　broken；　and　FOR　EVER！
  I　am　free；free；　but　to　be　your　slave；your　humblest；　fondest；
  truest　slave！〃　　And　so　on。　。　。　。　。
  〃Oh；　Mr。　Stubbs；〃　said　she；　as　I　imprinted　a　kiss　upon　her　cheek；
  〃I　can't　refuse　you；　but　I　fear　you　are　a　sad　naughty　man。　。　。　。　。〃
  Absorbed　in　the　delicious　reverie　which　was　caused　by　the　dear
  creature's　confusion；　we　were　both　silent　for　a　while；　and　should
  have　remained　so　for　hours　perhaps；　so　lost　were　we　in　happiness；
  had　I　not　been　suddenly　roused　by　a　voice　exclaiming　from　behind
  us
  〃DON'T　CRY；　MARY！　　HE　IS　A　SWINDLING；　SNEAKING　SCOUNDREL；　AND　YOU
  ARE　WELL　RID　OF　HIM！〃
  I　turned　round。　　O　heaven；　there　stood　Mary；　weeping　on　Doctor
  Bates's　arm；　while　that　miserable　apothecary　was　looking　at　me　with
  the　utmost　scorn。　　The　gardener；　who　had　let　me　in；　had　told　them
  of　my　arrival；　and　now　stood　grinning　behind　them。　　〃Imperence！〃
  was　my　Magdalen's　only　exclamation；　as　she　flounced　by　with　the
  utmost　self…possession；　while　I；　glancing　daggers　at　the　SPIES；
  followed　her。　　We　retired　to　the　parlor；　where　she　repeated　to　me
  the　strongest　assurances　of　her　love。
  I　thought　I　was　a　made　man。　　Alas！　I　was　only　an　APRIL　FOOL！
  MAY。RESTORATION　DAY。
  As　the　month　of　May　is　considered；　by　poets　and　other　philosophers；
  to　be　devoted　by　Nature　to　the　great　purpose　of　love…making；　I　may
  as　well　take　advantage　of　that　season　and　acquaint　you　with　the
  result　of　MY　amours。
  Young；　gay；　fascinating；　and　an　ensignI　had　completely　won　the
  heart　of　my　Magdalen；　and　as　for　Miss　Waters　and　her　nasty　uncle
  the　Doctor；　there　was　a　complete　split　between　us；　as　you　may
  fancy；　Miss　pretending；　forsooth；　that　she　was　glad　I　had　broken
  off　the　match；　thoug