The　Fatal　Boots
  by　William　Makepeace　Thackeray
  January。The　Birth　of　the　Year
  February。Cutting　Weather
  March。Showery
  April。Fooling
  May。Restoration　Day
  June。Marrowbones　and　Cleavers
  July。Summary　Proceedings
  August。Dogs　have　their　Days
  September。Plucking　a　Goose
  October。Mars　and　Venus　in　Opposition
  November。A　General　Post　Delivery
  December。〃The　Winter　of　Our　Discontent〃
  THE　FATAL　BOOTS
  JANUARY。THE　BIRTH　OF　THE　YEAR。
  Some　poet　has　observed；　that　if　any　man　would　write　down　what　has
  really　happened　to　him　in　this　mortal　life；　he　would　be　sure　to
  make　a　good　book；　though　he　never　had　met　with　a　single　adventure
  from　his　birth　to　his　burial。　　How　much　more；　then；　must　I；　who
  HAVE　had　adventures；　most　singular；　pathetic；　and　unparalleled；　be
  able　to　compile　an　instructive　and　entertaining　volume　for　the　use
  of　the　public。
  I　don't　mean　to　say　that　I　have　killed　lions；　or　seen　the　wonders
  of　travel　in　the　deserts　of　Arabia　or　Prussia；　or　that　I　have　been
  a　very　fashionable　character；　living　with　dukes　and　peeresses；　and
  writing　my　recollections　of　them；　as　the　way　now　is。　　I　never　left
  this　my　native　isle；　nor　spoke　to　a　lord　（except　an　Irish　one；　who
  had　rooms　in　our　house；　and　forgot　to　pay　three　weeks'　lodging　and
  extras）；　but；　as　our　immortal　bard　observes；　I　have　in　the　course
  of　my　existence　been　so　eaten　up　by　the　slugs　and　harrows　of
  outrageous　fortune；　and　have　been　the　object　of　such　continual　and
  extraordinary　ill…luck；　that　I　believe　it　would　melt　the　heart　of　a
  milestone　to　read　of　itthat　is；　if　a　milestone　had　a　heart　of
  anything　but　stone。
  Twelve　of　my　adventures；　suitable　for　meditation　and　perusal　during
  the　twelve　months　of　the　year；　have　been　arranged　by　me　for　this
  work。　　They　contain　a　part　of　the　history　of　a　great；　and；
  confidently　I　may　say；　a　GOOD　man。　　I　was　not　a　spendthrift　like
  other　men。　　I　never　wronged　any　man　of　a　shilling；　though　I　am　as
  sharp　a　fellow　at　a　bargain　as　any　in　Europe。　　I　never　injured　a
  fellow…creature；　on　the　contrary；　on　several　occasions；　when
  injured　myself；　have　shown　the　most　wonderful　forbearance。　　I　come
  of　a　tolerably　good　family；　and　yet；　born　to　wealthof　an
  inoffensive　disposition；　careful　of　the　money　that　I　had；　and　eager
  to　get　more；I　have　been　going　down　hill　ever　since　my　journey　of
  life　began；　and　have　been　pursued　by　a　complication　of　misfortunes
  such　as　surely　never　happened　to　any　man　but　the　unhappy　Bob
  Stubbs。
  Bob　Stubbs　is　my　name；　and　I　haven't　got　a　shilling：　I　have　borne
  the　commission　of　lieutenant　in　the　service　of　King　George；　and　am
  NOWbut　never　mind　what　I　am　now；　for　the　public　will　know　in　a
  few　pages　more。　　My　father　was　of　the　Suffolk　Stubbsesa　well…to…
  do　gentleman　of　Bungay。　　My　grandfather　had　been　a　respected
  attorney　in　that　town；　and　left　my　papa　a　pretty　little　fortune。　　I
  was　thus　the　inheritor　of　competence；　and　ought　to　be　at　this
  moment　a　gentleman。
  My　misfortunes　may　be　said　to　have　commenced　about　a　year　before　my
  birth；　when　my　papa；　a　young　fellow　pretending　to　study　the　law　in
  London；　fell　madly　in　love　with　Miss　Smith；　the　daughter　of　a
  tradesman；　who　did　not　give　her　a　sixpence；　and　afterwards　became
  bankrupt。　　My　papa　married　this　Miss　Smith；　and　carried　her　off　to
  the　country；　where　I　was　born；　in　an　evil　hour　for　me。
  Were　I　to　attempt　to　describe　my　early　years；　you　would　laugh　at　me
  as　an　impostor；　but　the　following　letter　from　mamma　to　a　friend；
  after　her　marriage；　will　pretty　well　show　you　what　a　poor　foolish
  creature　she　was；　and　what　a　reckless　extravagant　fellow　was　my
  other　unfortunate　parent：
  〃TO　MISS　ElIZA　KICKS；　IN　GRACECHURCH　STREET；　LONDON。
  〃OH；　ELIZA！　your　Susan　is　the　happiest　girl　under　heaven！　　My
  Thomas　is　an　angel！　not　a　tall　grenadier…like　looking　fellow；　such
  as　I　always　vowed　I　would　marry：on　the　contrary；　he　is　what　the
  world　would　call　dumpy；　and　I　hesitate　not　to　confess；　that　his
  eyes　have　a　cast　in　them。　　But　what　then？　when　one　of　his　eyes　is
  fixed　on　me；　and　one　on　my　babe；　they　are　lighted　up　with　an
  affection　which　my　pen　cannot　describe；　and　which；　certainly；　was
  never　bestowed　upon　any　woman　so　strongly　as　upon　your　happy　Susan
  Stubbs。
  〃When　he　comes　home　from　shooting；　or　the　farm；　if　you　COULD　see
  dear　Thomas　with　me　and　our　dear　little　Bob！　as　I　sit　on　one　knee；
  and　baby　on　the　other；　and　as　he　dances　us　both　about。　　I　often
  wish　that　we　had　Sir　Joshua；　or　some　great　painter；　to　depict　the
  group；　for　sure　it　is　the　prettiest　picture　in　the　whole　world；　to
  see　three　such　loving　merry　people。
  〃Dear　baby　is　the　most　lovely　little　creature　that　CAN　POSSIBLY
  BE；the　very　IMAGE　of　papa；　he　is　cutting　his　teeth；　and　the
  delight　of　EVERYBODY。　　Nurse　says　that；　when　he　is　older　he　will
  get　rid　of　his　squint；　and　his　hair　will　get　a　GREAT　DEAL　less　red。
  Doctor　Bates　is　as　kind；　and　skilful；　and　attentive　as　we　could
  desire。　　Think　what　a　blessing　to　have　had　him！　　Ever　since　poor
  baby's　birth；　it　has　never　had　a　day　of　quiet；　and　he　has　been
  obliged　to　give　it　from　three　to　four　doses　every　week；how
  thankful　ought　we　to　be　that　the　DEAR　THING　is　as　well　as　it　is！
  It　got　through　the　measles　wonderfully；　then　it　had　a　little　rash；
  and　then　a　nasty　hooping…cough；　and　then　a　fever；　and　continual
  pains　in　its　poor　little　stomach；　crying；　poor　dear　child；　from
  morning　till　night。
  〃But　dear　Tom　is　an　excellent　nurse；　and　many　and　many　a　night　has
  he　had　no　sleep；　dear　man！　in　consequence　of　the　poor　little　baby。
  He　walks　up　and　down　with　it　FOR　HOURS；　singing　a　kind　of　song
  （dear　fellow；　he　has　no　more　voice　than　a　tea…kettle）；　and　bobbing
  his　head　backwards　and　forwards；　and　looking；　in　his　nightcap　and
  dressing…gown；　SO　DROLL。　　Oh；　Eliza！　how　you　would　laugh　to　see
  him。
  〃We　have　one　of　the　best　nursemaids　IN　THE　WORLD；an　Irishwoman；
  who　is　as　fond　of　baby　almost　as　his　mother　（but　that　can　NEVER
  BE）。　　She　takes　it　to　walk　in　the　park　for　hours　together；　and　I
  really　don't　know　why　Thomas　dislikes　her。　　He　says　she　is　tipsy；
  very　often；　and　slovenly；　which　I　cannot　conceive；to　be　sure；　the
  nurse　is　sadly　dirty；　and　sometimes　smells　very　strong　of　gin。
  〃But　what　of　that？these　little　drawbacks　only　make　home　more
  pleasant。　　When　one　thinks　how　many　mothers　have　NO　nursemaids：　how
  many　poor　dear　children　have　no　doctors：　ought　we　not　to　be
  thankful　for　Mary　Malowney；　and　that　Dr。　Bates's　bill　is　forty…
  seven　pounds？　　How　ill　must　dear　baby　have　been；　to　require　so　much
  physic！
  〃But　they　are　a　sad　expense；　these　dear　babies；　after　all。　　Fancy；
  Eliza；　how　much　this　Mary　Malowney　costs　us。　　Ten　shillings　every
  week；　a　glass　of　brandy　or　gin　at　dinner；　three　pint…bottles　of　Mr。
  Thrale's　best　porter　every　day；making　twenty…one　in　a　week；　and
  nine　hundred　and　ninety　in　the　eleven　months　she　has　been　with　us。
  Then；　for　baby；　there　is　Dr。　Bates's　bill　of　forty…five　guineas；
  two　guineas　for　christening；　twenty　for　a　grand　christening　supper
  and　ball　（rich　uncle　John　mortally　offended　because　he　was　made
  godfather；　and　had　to　give　baby　a　silver　cup：　he　has　struck　Thomas
  out　of　his　will：　and　old　Mr。　Firkin　quite　as　much　hurt　because　he
  was　NOT　asked：　he　will　not　speak　to　me　or　Thomas　in　consequence）
  twenty　guineas　for　flannels；　laces；　little　gowns；　caps；　napkins；
  and　such　baby's　ware：　and　all　this　out　of　300L。　a　year！　　But　Thomas
  expects　to　make　A　GREAT　DEAL　by　his　farm。
  〃We　have　got　the　most　charming　country…house　YOU　CAN　IMAGINE：　it　is
  QUITE　SHUT　IN　by　trees；　and　so　retired　that；　though　only　thirty
  miles　from　London；　the　post　comes　to　us　but　once　a　week。　　The
  roads；　it　must　be　confessed；　are　execrable；　it　is　winter　now；　and
  we　are　up　to　our　knees　in　mud　and　snow。　　But　oh；　Eliza！　how　happy
  we　are：　with　Thomas　（he　has　had　a　sad　attack　of　rheumatism；　dear
  man！）　and　little　Bobby；　and　our　kind　friend　Dr。　Bates；　who　comes　so
  far　to　see　us；　I　leave　you　to　fancy　that　we　have　a　charming　merry
  party；　and　do　not　care　for　all　the　gayeties　of　Ranelagh。
  〃Adieu！　dear　baby　is　crying　for　his　mamma。　　A　thousand　kisses　from
  your　affectionate
  〃SUSAN　STUBBS。〃
  There　it　is！　　Doctor's　bills；　gentleman…farming；　twenty…one　pints
  of　porter　a　week。　　In　this　way　my　unnatural　parents　were　already
  robbing　me　of　my　property。
  FEBRUARY。CUTTING　WEATHER。
  I　have　called　this　chapter　〃cutting　weather；〃　partly　in　compliment
  to　the　month　of　February；　and　partly　in　respect　of　my　own
  misfortunes；　which　you　are　going　to　read　about。　　For　I　have　often
  thought　that　January　（which　is　mostly　twelfth…cake　and　holiday
  time）　is　like　the　first　four　or　five　years　of　a　little　boy's　life；
  then　comes　dismal　February；　and　the　working…days　with　it；　when
  chaps　begin　to　look　out　for　themselves；　after　the　Christmas　and　the
  New　Year's　heyday　and　merrymaking　are　ove